Falling From a Golden Spiraled Staircase
I have a fear of heights.
I'm not usually able to recollect any of my dreams, but to this very day, I still remember a frequent nightmare I had when I was 5-years-old. It wasn't particularly gruesome or tragic, but for some reason, that nightmare lived in my head for countless years like a parasite. It all started with me sitting atop a beautiful golden spiraled staircase. Being the curious kindergartener I was at the time, I was bound to lean over the railing and peer to the depths of what lay at the bottom of the staircase. However, when I caught a glimpse of the darkness beneath the never-ending staircase, the next thing I knew, the railing disappeared and I was free-falling towards the bottomless pit with my heart in my throat. Then, before I could feel the impact of the ground, I shot awake, drenched with cold sweat. I remember this exact series of events happening at least 2 more times.
I always told myself I was scared of heights because my heart always started racing whenever I needed to cross a wobbly bridge, or when I looked down from the third floor of a mall. But am I actually scared of heights? I'm not afraid when I'm on an airplane and I look out the window to see the ground 30,000 feet below me. At the same time though, I've never ridden a roller coaster because the idea of accelerating downward towards the ground at a steep angle--even if it's only from 300 feet instead of 30,000--terrifies the living soul out of me.
Maybe I was actually afraid of falling from heights, and not heights themself. If I feel secure and there's an absolute 0% chance of me free-falling from the sky like when I'm on an airplane, it doesn't matter how high I get. I won't be scared. But if there's even the tiniest possibility of me falling and hurting myself--even a 0.01% chance--that's when my fear kicks in. But there it is again. Falling AND hurting myself. So I'm not even scared of falling itself. Falling can't hurt me. It's the landing after the fall that I'm scared of.
So what is my fear then? Am I afraid of landing? That's not exactly it either. At the end of the day, I'm going to continue stating that I have a fear of heights since that's what's most commonly said. While I'm still definitely afraid of heights, thinking about why exactly I have that fear allowed me to feel more relaxed when it came to heights themselves. Some of my other fears might also be based off of a series of assumptions and so maybe I shouldn't be so fearful of those things either...
I like the point you make about how the fear is actually of falling and hurting yourself. Oftentimes, people say they are afraid of heights, when the actual height itself isn't what scares people.
ReplyDeleteYou should also definitely get a golden spiraled staircase in your future home :)
This is such a twist on the traditional "scared of heights" haha. I think for me it's the falling part that scares me the most, not being able to do anything except wait. I also remember sometimes I'd have random dreams of me suddenly falling out of nowhere and jolting awake.
ReplyDeleteReoccurring nightmares are a different level of fear. It's interesting that your fear of heights stemmed from one. I like the level of analysis you included in this, you looked for the very root of the issue and described the nuance of when it applies and when it doesn't. Very interesting and well done.
ReplyDeleteI really liked the way you described trying to understand your fear of heights and what you’re specifically afraid of. I think a lot of people’s fears (mine included) are usually fairly irrational, so the way you described becoming more relaxed after thinking through your fear and what you’re actually afraid of would probably help a lot of people. This was a very thought-provoking blog post; great job!
ReplyDeleteIt's funny to see that at this point, we're not even sure what we're afraid of anymore because there's so many aspects to consider. I don't think I have a fear of heights and I've thought about these same ideas, but I'm not really sure either. I guess just like how you can tell yourself that you're afraid of something, you can do the exact opposite as well.
ReplyDeleteWhen you're on an airplane, there's always a small chance that the engines could fail and you'd freefall out of the sky. Just saying.
ReplyDeleteI like how you've specifically described your fear & almost allowed the reader to choose which category they feel matches best in terms of labelling it. On a different note, I share this exact same fear. I remember having dreams of me falling & jolting awake until I was 9. Even now, steep stairs without railings very much scare me. Great post, thank you for sharing!
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